Losing My Balance

I have a confession to make. I am a bit of an extremist when it comes to certain things. An all-or-nothing kind of girl, if you will. When I go for something, I GO FOR IT...which can be great, don't get me wrong. When I really want something, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING can get in my way. Focus, dedication, and discipline are my middle name. But on the downside, it also means that when I fall, I fall HARD. If I'm not putting my all into something, I'm putting in nothing - no - less than nothing, if there is such a thing. It's not a truth I'm proud to admit, but it's the truth. It always has been my whole life.

If I knew I would be great at something, I'd go for it. If not, I wouldn't even attempt it. Why? Because in my mind, if I'm not the best at something, I'm a failure...and failure is unbearable. As much as I've tried to suppress this way of thinking, it always manages to creep up on me and make it's way back into my subconscious. It's become such a deeply embedded part of who I am, to the very core...and I hate it.  

I hate it because it keeps me from achieving the very thing that makes me feel whole...BALANCE.

It was, in fact, the very thing that inspired this blog in the first place. After undergoing a huge transformation in my lifestyle, my body, and most importantly my mindset, I finally felt like I had found balance. I had found who I was...and for the very first time in my entire life...I LIKED THAT PERSON. For a girl who spent the majority of her life living in a constant state of self-loathing and insecurity, that's SAYING SOMETHING!

And then it all fell apart.

The scales tipped back out of balance. I slowly allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper into a depression that would ultimately test the integrity of this new person in the mirror I had come to respect. It was a test that I have, to date, failed miserably. I stress the words to date, for a reason.

So, I do have a tendency to go off the deep end sometimes. I have my fair share of issues with perfectionism and failure. And yes, I've experienced episodes of depression that, on certain days, have nearly annihilated my motivation just to get out of bed in the morning and function. However, I do not offer this deeply personal information to you as an excuse, but rather as a proclamation of self-awareness. One of the many lessons I've learned through my fitness journey is that you are capable of exactly what you allow yourself to be capable of. If you allow yourself to be bogged down by challenges and excuses, it becomes a cycle of even more excuses, followed by mediocrity and failure. But if you are honest with yourself and you rise to the challenge with a little bit of self-awareness and a lot of determination, you are UNSTOPPABLE. 

I realize now, that the mistake I made was assuming that balance, once achieved, cannot be taken away. In reality, life, people, and circumstances are constantly changing and therefore balance is something that we will struggle to maintain each and every day. So, when I say that I have failed "to date", it only means that I still have work to do - that I'm not giving up on myself. That I will not just lay down and take whatever mediocrity hands me. It means that I'm capable of going exactly as far as I'm willing to push myself...which brings me to the reason I decided to share this: BECAUSE SO ARE YOU. YOU NEED ONLY REALIZE IT.